We needed something to bleach the image of Julianna Margulies's privates off our cortex, and what better psychic disinfectant than some exclusive footage from Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi's recent nuptials. Both brides look stunning their vaginas safely stowed away somewhere where guests and hovering helicopters would never see them. We were particularly moved by the moment Ellen first laid eyes on Portia emerging in full hair, makeup, and gown, a sight that could turn even the most ardent of penis-enthusiasts into card-carrying members of the American Association of Lipstick Lesbians...

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